Okay, I'm sitting in a very
upscale dentist chair. I'm about to experience the "Brite
Smile" treatment. Shirley, my personal whitener, just took
my "before" teeth picture and matched them to their little
key. They were at the bottom end of spectrum. I've never
been self-conscious about my teeth, but it's now clear that
that was wrong. I should have been very ashamed.
I wrote the above on my Palm, and then Shirley went to work.
This is some sort of whitening system that's new to Vegas.
Shirley put this thing in my mouth to hold me in a horrible
grimace. She then put plastic over my gums, and covered my
teeth with some other chemicals. She put big glasses on me
and protected my lips with some sort of balm.
Then she said I would have a few 20 minutes sessions and
then "what was ever left over." I didn't think it would be
that bad. My mouth didn't hurt at all. It was just open.
But, then she put this bright tanning light my mouth, and
said that I couldn't move at all. I mean I way couldn't
move, I had to hold my head in the exact place. I couldn't
talk on the phone, I couldn't read, I couldn't write on my
Palm, I couldn't do anything.
So, I worked on mental card tricks, I ran over the circle of
fifths, I worked on bass fingerings, I ran over the Fi-Sci
shows. I thought about everything. I would doze off, but
every 5 minutes Shirley would come in, wake me up, and make
sure I hadn't moved. After 20 minutes she came in and, I
guess, changed the gel or something. I don't know, and then
I did another 20. It was harder this time, but I did it.
She came in spent a couple minutes doing something and then
I did another 20. It's really hard to sit without moving
for 20 minutes. My mouth didn't hurt at all, but my whole
body did.
It was harder to stay still than doing the 4-hour aphresis blood
donating, but it was easier over all, because at
least I was doing it for a good reason. Teeth whitening was doing no one
any good; this was just pure vanity and commerce for P&T -
whereas in the aphresis I always have to worry that I might
be helping a kid or two.
So, after an hour of bright light with about 15 minutes
spread out in between, she said, "There's another 1/2 hour
left - can you take it?" Well, that's all you have to say -
if you ask that, I say, "Bring it on." So, I did my last
half hour. She monkeyed around for a while after and
finally my mouth could move. She took out the spit sucker
that I'd had in there for hours, and took that smile
template out so I could move my mouth.
I looked in the mirror - no change. But, then she took the
"after" picture and showed it to me. Wow, huge difference.
So, that was it - almost 4 hours and my teeth are bleached a
little like my skull had been left in the desert sun for a
couple years.
Hey, I hope the public appreciates what I do for my own
aging vanity.
