| Mashed Penn - 12/16/00
Okay, so last night a pleasant,
relatively smart, Knife Woman threw the goddamn knife at me
on 2. It's hardly worth mentioning. That's twice in a
row. It's happened about 5 times all together and 2 of
those have been in Seattle. What, they can't count in this
berg? What's wrong with them? I don't think it's really
dangerous, it's just stupid. Just stupid. And during
Wizard, I told the women to count the cards, and they just
stood there. Like the idea of counting was something like
voodoo, "I could no more count, than I could bring my
grandmother back from the dead with a mixture of chicken's
blood and tincture of frogroot." Hey it's counting. The
hardest job an audience member has in this show is counting
to about 42. Okay, I'm over it. So, people can't count.
So they throw a knife at me. What do I care?
But, during Rubber Boy, I've added this new thing. I have
gum. Man, gum is making it so much more pleasant. People
go out to dinner before the show. They have big garlicky
meals and then they come and look at me in the barrel. They
pay a quarter and then breath a quarter's worth of garlic on
me. I don't mind that smell on people I know, but on
strangers, it was making me crazy. So, now Nate loads me up
with gum and all I can smell in the barrel is my own
wintergreen. It's made my life better.
So, last night, I'm in the barrel, chewing my good smelling
cud, and minding my own cramped business. Nate hands me a
stick of chew, and turns my mic on to do the bally. I start
with "Only 10 more minutes to see the Rubber Boy" when all
of a sudden; a woman comes over the back of the barrel. She
comes over the top and tries to kiss me. She has this long
black hair, and I don't know that she's coming, and she
bangs her head against my glasses. Now, I HATE being
touched in the barrel. I hate it. When you can't move, and
someone pats you on the head, it's just awful. It's always
women that do it, and it's a couple of times a night. They
just reach in, when I can't move, and pat me on the head.
Nate is there to stop them, and he tells them not to, but it
still happens about twice a night. But, this was out there.
I was talking, doing the bally on mic, and suddenly the
light is all cut out, and there's this hair all over me and
there's this woman's face in my face and her head is banging
my glasses, and I can't move, and she's trying to kiss me.
My mics are up, "Only 10 more minutes to see the Amazing
Rubber Boy, when you're sitting around the fire this winter,
this is the attraction you're going to be talking ab. . .
JESUS CHRIST! What the . . . . Get your . . . Stop!
Nate, get her out of here . . . . Jesus christ!" and the
mics go out. Nate had pulled her out of the barrel and
threw her back and then she went back at the barrel. It was
insane. Now, there is NO danger. She wasn't trying to hurt
me and she couldn't have hurt me. But, it sure was creepy.
I can't move, I don't know she's coming at me. I don't know
who she is. And I can't move.
After the show she apologized. "I'm sorry, I tried to climb
in the barrel and kiss you" she said. Her date was there
saying, "She's sorry." I guess he had to say that to give
it weight. I said, "Well, you know, when you can't move, it's
kind of creepy." Burt was angry that the mics were up for
the squabble. It was just insane.
They're throwing knives at me and trying to climb in the
barrel. Too much goddamn coffee.