The long suffering Glenn,
tilting at the windmill of having me known for something
other than sex acts with christ and dwarfs, set up two
things in the communality for me today.
One started with me, which is why it was stupid. I've
wanted high speed wireless at my Starbucks for a while. So,
I did what any crime fighter would do - I called Starbucks
corporate headquarters and I threatened the regional
manager with bodily harm. I offered her drugs and sex and
threatened her husband. I told her that my attack on
Starbucks would "make 9-11 seem like a joke." She sent me
a Starbucks card for 100 bucks and asked me if I'd help
with their launch. I said yes, and the long suffering
Krasher and Spicoli had to watch me do a promotion for
Starbucks for no money. I tried to explain that Starbucks
is a little Mom and Pop shop that needs support from the
community to keep out the evil corporate giants. That was
my position. Glenn got me more than 100 bucks; he got what
I asked for. A super full Starbucks card, free T-Mobile
wireless service and a green apron with my name on it.
I showed up at work at Starbucks this morning. Man,
everyone was here, lots of Starbucks suits, HP people,
pretty people, everyone. Of course the T-Mobile connection
was down and there was a lot of panic over that. I worked
with Yvonne, my manager, and she taught me how to use the
register, and make their new summer shaken drinks. Mostly
I gave drinks away. I made whatever I wanted and gave it
to my friends. I spit in Jonesy's drink, so I could really
feel like a barista. Man, did I look sexy in my apron. I
looked like a young barista working his way through college
- or . . . maybe I looked like a crazy old guy playing
dress up in a public place. It's your call. There was an
argument with my manager over whether my hair had to be
tied back. My argument was that it's kind of above my
shoulders when it's down; her argument was that it was
really to the middle of my back and it was a board of
health issue. She was right and I won. I felt like the
American government.
I made drinks for all the press (they got what I gave them,
I had a limited menu, but man, I could shake the drinks.
Okay, I didn't look as good giving them the 10 shakes as
the college girls, but I enjoyed it more). The service got
up and I went right to posing for pictures with my computer.
With my big No God sticker on one side of my computer and
porno up on the browser, it was a public relations angle
challenge, but they did it. I posed with all the suits and
made a lot of jokes. So, I have high speed, and I have a
full card, and I have an apron. So, I'm happy.
I went right from there to the "D.A.R.E" graduation. D.A.R.
E. stands for "Self Contained Underwater Breathing
Apparatus" and it's an ineffectual government funded
program where cops pretend to keep kids off drugs. But,
we're as anti-drug as two can get, so we decided to be part
of our community. Krasher suggested I not say that I
wanted drugs legal, or that the kids should drop out of
school, and that seemed wise. We proved we were crazy with
the jesus thing; it was time to show we could be nice too.
I stood up and said that I wanted the kids to know that
people who NEVER drank or did drugs didn't have to look
like cops and goodie goodies, they could also be creeps. I
explained that I had never done any drugs or drinking and I
was a real creep. I talked about being scary, dangerous,
and angry without doing drugs and alcohol. I felt it was
important. Maybe they were just happy to see a magician on
stage. Teller then took over and taught them all the
"National Magic Trick" so; we were giving away thumbtips to
grade school kids. They liked us. The cameras were
popping from the local press and there was some local TV.
We were good citizens.
I followed all Krasher and Glenn's suggestions and I didn't
swear or tell the kids there was no god and they needed to
drop out of government schools. I was very good. Teller
was great. "Aren't they good with children?" I didn't
even swear at the cops or say anything weird. At the end
of our presentation the cop who was in charge of the whole
thing came over to Glenn and said, "Thanks so much, that
was great." But, he didn't tell Glenn there was no
god or to drop out of school, so I guess he got some of the
memo.
Man, I am such a part of my community. I'm a barista who
cares about kids. I'm doing well. No dwarfs, no jesus, no
trespassing. (During the pledge of allegiance, Penn and
Teller did not say "under god" and I think Teller pouted
all the way through it). But, hey, we're good citizens.
It's hard to fight crime without telling children there's
no god.
Hey, you want your freedom tall, grande, or Venti? Talk
to me.
Penn
